The Art of Letting Go

The ‘Good’ cannot begin until the ‘Bad’ ends. Ending ‘Bad’ sounds good and easy in theory, but why is it sometimes so difficult to let go of things, people, situations?

Well, to start with, it’s not always easy to have a clear view on the ‘Bad’ and being able to grasp the idea of ‘Good’.

Humans are creatures of habit and keeping the status quo (as bad as it may be) does one thing very well: it spares you from the fear of uncertainty and the temporary pain of change. So your mind plays all kinds of tricks on you, negotiating with you, rationalizing, hoping, ignoring, affirming. At the same time, your resources get depleted and you finally lack the energy required to act. And as there is no compelling event, no actual trigger point, no moment of unbearable pain, you do…nothing.

So what can you do instead?

See endings as normal, not a problem

In the end, that’s what life is: a never-ending stream of beginnings and endings. Yes, this sounds trivial, but accepting endings as something natural will help counteract the status-preserving games of your mind. Ending something does not necessarily mean, that you failed.

Recognize the abundance of life

No, you will not die in solitude if you lose this person, nor you end up sleeping under a bridge if you lose this job. Life is abundant with opportunities. The problem is, you’ll be unable to see those if you’re holding on. Not only will letting go make you aware of new possibilities, you will attract them.

Mind the “Opportunity Costs”

‘Opportunity costs’ is a common term in business. Your resources like time, energy, money are finite. (Not) doing something always has a cost: the missed benefit of opportunities that you excluded by just that. The missed benefits of ‘Good’ can be huge. Try to feel the possible ‘Goods’ with all your senses. Visualize them. Dwell in the future. The cost of letting go may suddenly seem not that big after all.

Reflect yourself and get real

Be aware of your own patterns. Do you have an abnormally high pain threshold? Are there co-dependence mechanics at play? Do past experiences taint your view? How’s your perception of self-worth impacting your thinking?

Objectify your perception of reality and tune your decision making process. See the difference between casual problems versus patterns, empty wishing versus justified hoping that things will change. Don’t overthink: the past is an excellent predictor.

Create urgency

Build the energy and the momentum to make a change. Create that compelling event, that trigger point. Set a deadline, create social pressure by involving the people around you, bring the future of not having made the change to the present moment (how does it feel, if in 3 years from now things have not changed for the better, but have even gotten worse?).

End things well

When you reach the point where you’ve made a decision, visualize the transition and devise a plan. Evidently, significant ‘Let Gos’ rarely occur in a single instant but rather unfold as a process that requires adaptation — not only from you but also from other individuals involved that are on the receiving end of your decision. Be aware that a lack of empathy can cause significant distress and even traumatize people. So, don’t be that person who doesn’t care.

Metabolize the pain and move on

Make no mistake, the process of letting go can be extremely difficult in some instances. Even if you are the one who pulls the trigger. Selling the business that you’ve built with blood and tears, ending that long-term relationship…sometimes, this is no different than separating from a part of yourself, a process that can be as painful as cutting off your own leg. You may experience symptoms of withdrawal, just like a drug addict on cold turkey. Don’t be surprised if the pain hits you with a delay.

If you feel that way, it’s because you are human. Nothing’s wrong with you. View pain as a part of healing and growing (maybe there’s at least some truth in this one: the pain leaves when it’s done teaching you).

Pain often comes from dwelling in the past. Letting go means leaving the past behind. Our brain is a self-healing machine. Trust that time will help by making the memories fade which keep you hooked today. Be disciplined, don’t feed them with your attention and focus on the future instead with all the new, magnificent opportunities it brings.

We all have our ‘Letting Go’ stories, or are currently stuck with things that are overdue for change. What are yours?

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